Finding the Balance

Over the past few weeks I have started the habit of opening up my planner and seeing what was supposed to be our cruise ship count for the day.  We should have had ships in town for just at a month now, it would have been a slow start, but this week would have broken wide open. Doing this everyday brings me mixed emotions. It brings me overwhelming sadness when I think about how many people are missing out on our beautiful home. It also reminds me what I would have been doing, instead of all the things we have filled the last month with that we never have time for during the year. 

You see, I truly love my job. I love the busy season. I love solving stressful problems. I love being under pressure and relied on. I love the people I get to meet from all over the world, guests and crew. I love talking about our home so much that I have narrated full tours in my sleep recently. I love hearing stories about where our guest are from and why they came. And I love the wildlife. I really love the wildlife.

I miss seeing everyones faces when we are watching bubble feeding or breaching humpbacks. I miss people being excited when that dorsal fin of a Orca comes into view. I miss being able to tell the stories of the orcas I can ID and name. I miss the feeling of standing in wonder with guests as we are dwarfed by 4,000 foot cliffs. I miss eating reindeer sausages in the pouring down rain around a fire with a guest who is about to have a s'more for the first time. I miss learning new things about our boats engines and new things to share with guests. I miss the 50th anniversaries, the honeymooners, the multi-generations on a girls trip, the grandparents with their grandchildren, and boy do I miss the kids. I miss making once in a lifetime vacations that much more special.

In the last 2 weeks the dream cruise boats would have visited us twice. Those are long, busy, and stressful days. But they are full of friends who we get to see every couple weeks that I have gotten to know over the last few years. The guests are so happy because they truly have gotten to see some special parts of Alaska most people miss. 

Looking at the calendar reminds me of all the things I'm missing out on. And sometimes that makes me sad. But looking at the calendar shows me all the things I would be missing out on if we had all the ships here. 

On the lowest tide of May we took the skiff out and went camping for 2 days of bonfires, fishing, tidepooling, and abalone and sea weed harvesting. That day would have been the first time a dream boat came into port this year, so I have no doubt that we wouldn't have been able to make our trip happen. 

A Nudibranch from our tidepooling

A couple days later we went camping at the Phocena Bay cabin for the night. With this being mid-May and early into the season, Tristan and I wouldn't have been able to sneak away for 2 days for camping. He would have been busy still training all of our new captains, and I would have been busy making sure the new staff who was just showing up was getting checked in and making sure they were getting all of their training covered.

It's no secret that Tristan and I were planning on getting married this summer. We wanted the ceremony to be simple and unplanned. We wanted to head out to our favorite beach with a few of our favorite friends on a good weather day. As summer got closer I realized just how difficult that was going to be, since most of the people we wanted to go with us also work with us. And then the world was turned upside down. 

So on a beautiful Sunday in May I finally got to marry my favorite person. It was exactly the wedding we wanted. It was a beautiful sunny and flat calm day. Several of our favorite people joined us. We stood in a field of baby beach asparagus with snow capped mountains and Nichol's Passage in the background. We were surrounded by wildflowers, seals, river otters, friends, and so much love! It was the perfect day.  

On May 17th we would have had a cruise ship with tours and an Alaskan Dream cruise ship in, which means no way in hell could 5 of 6 people from our management team sneak away to an island for the day for a wedding. So I am thankful for the slowdown to help us have our perfect day, and I will forever be thankful for this happy time among the chaos. Yes our celebration with all the other people we wanted to be there is on hold (probably till next year), but we are so thankful for the love that was shared with us that day.

I am thankful for all the camping, harvesting, gardening, fishing, and house projects we have had time to do in the last 2 months. This is the first summer in 12 years that I have not been insanely busy with work. I have worked for seasonal companies since my first college job in Myrtle Beach. I have never been able to fully enjoy summer, because I have literally been employed to make everyones vacation great. So this year I am enjoying every second that Tristan and I are getting to spend together.

Don't get me wrong, I cried today when I saw our company was offering a wildlife tour on Monday. I cried tears knowing that I wouldn't be crew on the boat. I've worked hard to know how to do every position, and I was super excited to actually Captain my first tour this year. I love every minute of my job. I live for identifying families of orcas, pointing out pregnant or baby harbor seals, IDing birds, and sharing facts about all of these things. So it stung a little knowing that boats would be going out to look at wildlife without me. 

I was shocked when the wave of sadness came over me today, because I have been on such a high for the last 3 weeks. But it was good to be reminded of where I am. A mixture of being thrilled to have so much free time to enjoy a once in a lifetime summer in Alaska with no working 6 and 7 days a week and missing my job so much it hurts sometimes. So today I let my self cry my tears, and then I went to harvest and process some spruce tips (which I have never have time for before). 

I'm trying to break my new habit of looking at what I was supposed to be doing and I'm just trying to enjoy the day. I don't know when/if I will get to go back to the job that I love so much and that is hard. I don't know when I will get to travel to see my family again and that is harder. So as a friend said today, I just take it week by week. I'll find the balance between tears and bliss. And for the time being I will enjoy my summer long honeymoon of doing all the things we never have time for!